The futile attempt for a genuine identity

I think myself as an accomplished professional, who, in the middle of his career, ceases to speak. “Speak”, not in the literal sense, but in the sense of actual feeling and communication. I find it useless to talk to people around me and I decide to hibernate. I distance myself from friends and associates and refrain from actual expression. In most case I hide my feelings. I found it meaningless to give vent to my experience of so many years and I retreat. I refuse to share my years of experience and wisdom. There is nothing physically or even psychologically wrong with me …I have simply, consciously decided not to “speak”. I am going through a soul-searching exercise. I call this a stage of “neutralization”.

The only persons with whom I sincerely, genuinely keep communication flowing are; a child - my own son with whom I live, a seer-a swamiji, who inspires me everyday to build a Vedic University and a head of a NGO, who takes care of children, of the lesser god.

My son and myself are ideally suited: a talkative, candid, and inexperienced child, and a sophisticated, enigmatic, and experienced grown-up. They take walks, bask in the swimming pool, and study together. It is obvious that our relation has cultivated a sense of bonding between us. My son talks incessantly about his school and friends unburdening all his thoughts to the attentive father.

It is obvious that my interest is more than mere politeness as I am in fact, chasing my own identity - the futile attempt for a genuine identity that I have tried to create for myself, struggle for absolute transference - the proverbial battle for the soul - it is a means of further divorcing myself from the pain of realizing the false façade that is created in relations. I realize the complex depiction of human frailty, cruelty, and identity.

I, having sincerely tried to live the role of a professional, husband, and friend, and have decided to abandon this and walk off from the everyday living and acting.